It’s so subtle (almost always) that you might just miss it, especially if you don’t actively try to see it: the emotions that drive a person’s behavior.
Other than processing what they’re saying, how do you think they’re feeling? Why do you think they’re saying what they’re saying, especially in the way they’re saying it?
If you’ve known the person for a while, or they are similar to someone else you know intimately, are there any patterns then that you’ve noticed?
If you could explain what happened during an interaction — not just on a rational or literal level, but on an emotional level — you might see a different kind of person than the one you thought you were facing. You might be able to see underneath the exasperation and bewilderment a loss of safety. You might be able to see that one’s tightening grip on power and demand for authority as being offended due to disrespect.
A parent isn’t looking to be convinced your strategy works or to do the uncomfortable work of confronting that their child might be too weak-willed and lazy to break past a disappointingly low plateau. What they truly want is to feel protected, secure, and safe. “I want to know if he’s ahead, on track, or behind.”
A team member might prefer to feel powerful and helpful rather than a tool used for your own agenda or the company’s. “Did you prepare for the meeting yet? You know how important it is, right?” differs from “I’m really worried about this upcoming meeting yet, which I need your help on. Is there anything I can do to help you prepare?” How does being asked the first question make you feel? What about the second? Which one do you feel more compelled to respond positively to? It’s the difference, and your ability to see where those differences lead, that can change the course of an entire interaction, and maybe even the relationship all together.
Before you make a final judgment on the car, try checking under the hood to see how the engine is built, to investigate what’s going on and see what might be causing it to drive so funny.
